The days have been getting easier. Now, as much as there’s still a piece of me that hopes that nothing will happen and that, in two weeks, I’ll return to my doctor to see a healthy miracle baby, I’m just waiting for change. As much as I know it will further upset me, I’m hoping that the miscarriage happens soon. I’m looking into natural, herbal options to speed up the process and reduce the risk of needing a D&C to remove any leftover tissue. I may very well do a post on those at some point, but I’m not interested in trying them yet, so we’ll refrain from discussing them.
For the past two days, Eric has been sick. Wednesday he took the day off work to lie in bed and sleep. He had Tuesday and Thursday off already, so hopefully that was time enough to recover a little. On Wednesday I was feeling a little off myself, so we mostly sat around together watching movies. I tend to have a better immune system, so I’m feeling much better already, he, however, is still miserable 😦
Yesterday, he woke up seemingly worse than the previous two days. In the morning he was having a little trouble breathing because he was so stuffy, so when I woke up I grabbed our generic tub of vapor rub and put some in a pan with boiling water as a homemade vaporizer. The whole apartment smelled like menthol, but my baby felt better. I spent the morning walking the dog, doing dishes, and packing up boxes of extra things that we can move out of the apartment now (moving in with my mother by the end of this month! UGH!). Once Eric woke up, I spent a fair amount of time washing my hands, making sure he had a box of tissues, medicine, and hand sanitizer at all times, and cuddling him. He’s like a baby when he’s sick, he just wants to be held. I kind of love it. Throughout the day I held down the fort, cleaning, cooking, sanitizing, you know, the usual. By the end of the day I had made my very first attempted at tofu manicotti (delicious, not very attractive) and settled in to play some NES with the man until bed time.
Taking care of him made me even more accepting of the fact that we are not having a baby right now. Not because I hate taking care of things or that I’m a crazy person who knows darn well that kids are covered in germs that I don’t want anywhere near me. Simply, I like being able to be one on one with my love. Eventually we’ll introduce a child to that, but right now we have the opportunity to enjoy our still fairly young relationship. I enjoy being able to take care of Eric when he’s not well. I know that if I was unable, he would do it himself, but in not having a child I’m able to tend to him gingerly as he does to me when I am not well.
I can still have days where nothing gets done and only feel moderately bad about it, because nobody is being neglected in order for me to do so. I still have several years left of going out with my friends and getting silly. We can go to bed as early or as late as we want. I can still do things on a whim, for the most part.
There are a million upsides to having a baby. I’m not trying to pretend that I would have been devastated to give up any of these things to take care of a little person, but when faced with something like this you really have to see the positives, of which, at first, it seems there are few. My dear friend who has been very supportive in all of this was once my very favorite drinking pal. If Eric had to work and we didn’t, she’d come over in the afternoon with some fun mixers and we’d drink daquiris while watching a movie or playing games or doing crafts together. She feels similar to how I do about this whole situation. Yes, a baby would have been swell and we were all looking forward to it, but she can’t help but be a little excited that her young, drunken friend is back. I don’t think drinking will be in my immediate future. It still feels funny to think about doing all these “no-no” things until I’m actually 100% NOT pregnant. But it’s nice to know that I have people who understand and who are excited for life, no matter what the outcome.
Life is not linear. There are so many alternate paths all leading to so many exciting things. I cannot afford to be sad because one small, incidental thing changed. I have the rest of my life to come back to it.