It’s been one week since I saw the doctor for The Confirmation.Still nothing.
I’m planning on heading to the local health store to check out some of the herbs that I’ve heard about. I have a good feeling about this red raspberry leaf tea that I’ve heard so much about. I think this will be my first choice.
In doing more research on the natural herbs and supplements to encourage miscarriage it’s been incredibly disheartening. In most posts about it there’s always people commenting and discouraging women from doing it, but most of them also assume that the idea is to encourage a miscarriage of a viable embryo rather than something that never was or has since ceased growth. Honestly, I probably would have been one of those people discouraging it (not out loud of course, I’m not that kind of person). I never knew that things like this happened. I always thought that if you miscarried then you miscarried. I’d never heard of a “missed” miscarriage. I, too, would automatically assume that the type of women who look to induce a miscarriage are the kinds of women who do so because they’re too scared, lazy, or poor to get an abortion or carry their child to term.
Although, when I do see posts with people asking how to naturally abort (because they simply do not want their perfectly healthy baby) I get upset, I still support women having options. I frequently read stories from other women about how this sort of experience made them pro-life and some people have asked me how I can still support a woman’s choice after what I’ve been through. But that’s exactly it. It’s what I have been through. This is not the experience of anyone else. Telling other women what to do with their bodies because mine could not do what I had hoped is a ridiculous thought. Naturally, there is a piece of me that, when hearing about abortion or thinking about my lost baby and the millions of others out there (often born to parents much less fit than Eric and myself) I do get angry. I think, why would anyone abort their child!? don’t they realize how lucky they are? how selfish of them to not think of the millions of women like myself? why are all these awful people who abuse their children perfectly capable of completing a pregnancy while I cannot?
Bitterness has never gotten me anywhere. Why bother. I couldn’t control my body. Other women should have the opportunity to control theirs. No matter how they choose to do so.
As far as physical updates go, there’s not much to tell.I’ve been having cramps off and on. Similar to period cramps, which makes me hopeful. I have a marked increase in cervical mucous, which I’ve read means that my cervix may be opening up to let everything out. I’m ready. Open the flood gates.
I’m getting to the point where I just want it over with. I’m genuinely considering, if things don’t progress next week, having a D&C. I hate the idea. But Eric and I are planning to wait years before trying to have a child (plenty of time for my uterus to recover) and I just can’t be “pregnant” forever. It’s getting to be exhausting. I had some wine yesterday and felt guilty. As though, until I actually physically miscarry, I still should be treating myself as though I am pregnant. It’s just uncomfortable to be in limbo.
Hopefully it will be over soon