It’s not my style to write twice in one day. Really, twice in a week is a rarity. But, right now, I’m am so blown away by my emotions that I have to share my frustration and my awe with you. I have good news and bad news and some in between. I’m mostly just very overwhelmed. Bare with me.
This afternoon my father called me. He was coming through town and wanted to take Eric and I to lunch. We met at Friendly’s. It was nice.
As soon as we sat down, he started telling us that he had been working hard on a favor for us. I was nervous. My father is such a generous man. He has the means to do it, but I always feel guilty. We still haven’t told him that I’m miscarrying, I was afraid this had something to do with the baby.
He told us that he’d spent about 30 hours in the past week at the courthouse looking into some properties that are up for sale or auction. He said there are a few he’s looking to buy and that he’s spending his retirement money on these in hopes that he can eventually turn a profit.
Evidently there’s a 3 acre plot of land in my hometown. Right where we want to be. It’s practically in the bag. He just has to put the money down and get all the legal things cleared up. There used to be a house on the property that was since torn down. The rubble is still there, that would be up to my family to take care of. Dad would like to separate it by 1 acre plots. He tells us that at all his properties he’s hoping to build homes or buy trailers to rent out. He said that he would like us to live there, for very little rent.
We finally told him that we’re planning on moving in with my mother next month. He was actually very pleased. He suggested that we save our money over the Winter. By Summer he hopes to have the place in order, with our help of course. He said that he would take us to the local auctions. If we save up a few thousand we should be able to get a double wide for fairly cheap. This likely will not be a forever home, but it’s a brilliant way to start. I’m beyond thrilled. I talked to my sister. She said that it is partially because of the baby (the one he still doesn’t know is no more) but that he had been talking it over with her for months before that. She is his right hand man.
My father is such a generous man. I’m thrilled. Life may work out after all.
On a less positive note:
I’ve had it with everyone else. A friend who I have not talked to in about a month or sent me a facebook message. He asked how being pregnant was going. I told him. He replied
“Wow, I’m sorry to hear that, my ex girlfriend just had an abortion, if that helps at all.”
I was livid. How could anyone compare the two!?
I, not very calmly, replied, “I’m sorry. Telling me that someone who had the opportunity to have a perfectly healthy, normal pregnancy chose not to does not make me feel better about the fact that my body is a lemon. So, thank you, but that is not the same thing.”
He apologized, half-heartedly. Suggesting that that was not his intention. I ignored him. I am not prepared for this today.
A little story about this individual: He and I dated in high school for about 2 1/2 years, off and on. We were both strange intellectual types, but apart from that, entirely incompatible. He values polyamory and drug culture. He’s still a friend of mine. We realized that, now that we no longer have feelings for one another, we can maintain some contact (as he is a genuinely brilliant soul and he and I have much to talk about and share from time to time) and we can no longer hurt each other with our words and actions. He’s still an exhausting individual sometimes, which is why we rarely speak. He will call or skype me out of no where to talk to me about this party or that party or what this girl did to him and how he still loves her or about his newest business ventures (currently he’s “managing” his “rapper” friend. Yep).
He and I have been through a lot together, so I know where to draw my lines. Today my line has been drawn. For quite some time. He’s notoriously insensitive, but that is a thoughtless comment to make to a woman experiencing miscarriage.
In general we are angry that other women have the OPTION to end their pregnancy when ours was taken from us. We will not be compared to someone who simply was not prepared for a child and therefor chose not to have one. We made a baby. We intended to keep it. We failed. There is nothing comparable.
Another estranged friend of mine who is fairly inactive on facebook these days posted a picture of his newborn son. I was unaware that his wife was pregnant in the first place…again.
Mike and Cat got together in college. I believe Mike is a year old than me. Cat a year younger. After a couple months of dating, Cat got pregnant. Okay, no big deal, it happens. They used the opportunity to get married.
Let me clarify.
- In 2012.
- They got married.
- Because she was pregnant.
- After 5 months of dating.
I’m not close to either of them, but sources have suggested that Mike, while thrilled about the birth of his child, was not so excited about the marriage. Cat is known to be a domineering woman. I don’t know what’s true or not, but I don’t believe it to be far fetch.
Both are avid partiers.
They’re young, they’re allowed to party. But not if they’re having a child.
Their daughter will be 1 year old next month.
Their son was born today.
I can’t say that they’re bad parents. By all accounts they love their children and are great at what they do. But they made these children, at least the first one, out of lust. Not love. And they have gone on to have more.
Eric and I are in love. We had marriage plans before we got pregnant. Our baby is gone. I am resentful for all the happy couples who pop out babies left and right, as though no one is struggling with miscarriage and doesn’t care to see their damn babies.
I’m not saying anything bad about these people. Or, if I am, it’s not intentional. It’s just left over bitterness.
My heart hurts today. This is the hardest it’s been in weeks. I want it to be over with, but I’m not ready to let it go.