Everything Will Change

After yesterday’s unpleasantness, I went to pick up Eric from work at 11. I had entirely forgotten that his cousins birthday was that day. We stopped by her apartment for a brief while to join in the festivities. I was reluctant, his cousin knew that we were pregnant, he had not yet informed her of the miscarriage, but she was beyond intoxicated by the time we showed up, so she didn’t remember, she even offered me a margarita. Even though it was an alright evening, Eric opted to come home after about an hour there, maybe less. I hadn’t told him of my strained emotions yet, I figured it wasn’t the time. However, when I asked if he was leaving on my account (because usually once he comes home I’m in bed within the hour) he told me that he just missed me and thought we could spend some time together. I was pleased. It was a nice night. We cuddled all night long and when I awoke at noon (absurd! I know.) I was still tightly wrapped in his arms. I explained to him after we got home that I had had a rough day. He didn’t say much, but his face showed empathy. He hugged me tight and told me he loved me.

I’m a lucky lady.

I’m realizing now that when something like this happens, it changes you. It changes your view on everything. I’m sure there are people for whom it is a change for the worse, but for me, everything is in a beautiful knew light. Everything is so clear, even on the darkest days.Not only have I considered the fact that this gives us the opportunity to live our lives and to get ourselves together, but it’s shown me what an amazing life partner I have.
Today I was thinking about just that.
Eric and I have been a lot in our not-quite-two years together. He’s seen me through severe injuries. He’s seen me through surgeries. He’s seen me through tragedy and through joy.
I hadn’t expected to tell this story, as very few people know it, but I think it demonstrates something that I had never thought about before:
Within the first 6 months of Eric and I dating, I had to make a HUGE confession to him about something I had entirely forgotten about.
Nearly four years ago, I was with a man who was not good for me and did not have my best interest in mind. Without getting into the gritty details, I went to my gynecologist one day and was told that I had genital HSV2. The form of herpes that is typically oral but can be spread through oral sex as well. I was told that it was nothing to worry about because generally after the first outbreak, it never comes back. I didn’t for nearly 2 years. I forgot about my diagnosis, until the telltale ulcers appeared again.
Naturally, I went back to the doctor, received medication, and was on my way. However, Eric and I had plans to spend the weekend together. I knew I had to tell him. Even with a condom, during an outbreak you shouldn’t be having sex.
I talked to my mother, I panicked, I was afraid that Eric would leave me. My mother assured me that Eric was a good man and would be okay, but if he was not then he did not care about me enough to be in my life.
When I first tried to discuss it with him it was awkward. I had told him about this particular ex before, so I started with, “Remember that horrible ex “Joe” I had told you about?” and he seemed very nervous. He didn’t interrupt me, even when I started to cry. When I finished telling him what was going on I was mortified and waiting for his response.

He held me.

He cried and he held me and he told me that he loved me and that this made no difference and that all it meant was that we would have to be careful.

I tell you this story to set you up for another.
Throughout our relationship, my insecurities have shone through. I am sometimes afraid that Eric is going to leave me for absolutely no reason. He’s never given any indication that he would ever want to go.
After dealing with an unplanned pregnancy and now an impending miscarriage, I’m realizing how remarkable of a man he is.
I’ve know, for a while now, that I plan to marry him and that he feels the same. But after this experience, I started thinking about how much he’s stuck with me for and honestly, I feel like we are unbreakable. We’ve struggled more than two people should struggle this early in a relationship. But good lord has it shown me his true colors as well as my own.
I have no idea what I would ever doubt our dedication to one another. He’s shown me time and time again that he is here to stay.
I am beyond grateful.


In a similar story:

For the first time since losing my job and getting pregnant, I’ve begun thinking about weddings again.
With our plans in place, we may be able to set ourselves up for an intimate wedding next year.
Originally, when we first started talking about marriage, I saw it as a big to-do.
We had to have a big wedding because everyone had to enjoy themselves, like a party. We researched venues and entertainment and the whole nine yards.
Now, life is in perspective a little more. I’m more appreciative of what we have and I know that regardless of what kind of wedding or reception we have, nothing will change. The end result will be the same. We will be in love as we ever were and we will be married. The end.So now, we’re planning to have a small wedding, hopefully at my fathers camp with less than 100 people. We want it to be relaxing and a celebration of our love. It’s the little things that count. All we need are the people we care about, not hundreds of people we haven’t seen in years who we’ve only invited because we “should” and who have only shown up because they’re “obligated.”
It’s disappointing that my sister will likely not be here to see us get married. She’s currently living in England and will be visiting in February before moving to Japan for a minimum of 4 years. Pending any big changes, she has no intention of coming home prior to that for years. I’m sure she will understand. She had a small wedding on a glacier in Alaska when she was 19. Her husbands friend officiated and they had one witness. The next time they came home to visit, we threw them a party. No one is devastated about the lack of extravagance.

Tragedy really brings new meaning to your life. You realize what you really want and what is important to you. It changes you in so many ways.
Although I will always love my lost little one, I’m thrilled to be able to see life in a positive way.


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