Harder Than I Thought

Just a quick update on what if feels like to have to call your doctor and tell her that, after you pregnancy didn’t go as planned, now your miscarriage is not going as planned and that you will need to see her.

I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon for an ultrasound and to meet with the doctor.
I still don’t know what to do.
Originally I thought that I might want to go ahead with the D&C if nothing is happening, but the longer this goes on the harder it is to accept. So while it might be a wise idea, in theory, to go through with the D&C so that I don’t have to sit and wait and wonder any longer, I’m afraid to do it. In my head, I’d still be killing my baby. Even if it doesn’t exist.

I’m sure that, regardless of how the conversation with the nurses had gone, I still would have been upset after scheduling the appointment. Realizing that this means that, once again I’m going to have to see my empty uterus. Knowing that there’s nothing in there but still hoping and burning that image into my mind while trying to find something that just isn’t there.
But when I spoke to the nurse, who had to clarify that nothing had changed so that she could put notes in my chart.
Before transferring me to the scheduling department she said “How are you doing?”
I knew what she meant.
I choked out an “Oh, well enough.”
To which she replied, “I know. It’s hard.”
She went on to transfer me and that was that.

Fortunately, Eric took his 15 minute break shortly after, so I was able to call him.
It wasn’t much help. But it was nice to not be so alone for a little while.

I still don’t know what I’m going to say to the doctor tomorrow when she asks me.Eric tells me to do whatever I want, but I know that, after discussing things a little, he seems to be in favor of the D&C. He just doesn’t want to see me suffer like this.

It suddenly feels so fresh. Like the moment I found out.
I’ve struggled with it for weeks, but I’m not closer to a resolution.
I have no idea what I’m doing.

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