Everything is dark.
It’s painful.

I’m waiting patiently for Eric to come home.
He only worked till 7 tonight, but he went out with a friend (who I do not like) and is currently at his apartment.
He should be home soon. I hope. I can’t stomach being alone much longer.

Today is the first time it really seems unbearable.
The bleeding hasn’t gotten any worse. But the pain has been relentless today.
I’ve not left the couch and my heating pad.
I haven’t eaten anything, save two pieces of toast this morning.
I don’t hunger for anything. I just want to sit here and cry and waste away.
I see so little point in everything.

I want to stop.

I’m supposed to be going to my friends birthday cookout tomorrow evening.
The last thing I want to do is socialize. I’m afraid her nieces will be there.
I can’t deal with children right now.
They seem to be everywhere. But none of them are mine.

Somehow, my only comfort has been my beloved dog.
He needs me to get up and take care of him. The only times I’ve left this couch have been at his urging. He nuzzles me when I cry. I know my depression is bothering him. He’s not as energetic as he once was. I feel awful about it. I wish I could take his pain away, but that would require me to get rid of mine.

Last night I went to pick up Eric from work at 11. I got there and my friend was also there, getting supplies for the cookout on saturday.
She asked how I was doing. I told her. She laughed. I don’t remember what I said exactly, but no matter what it was I’m sure it did not warrant a laugh.

Nobody is taking this seriously. After 3 weeks everyone thinks that I’ve recovered mostly. Until I physically started miscarrying I had. This is a whole new ordeal.
It’s going to require time. But nobody realizes. No matter how much I try to explain it.

Miscarrying is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And I’ve never been more alone.


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