Never Have I Been So Wrong

In my last post, I thought that I had seen the worst of my miscarriage experience.

Until last night. And this morning.

The physical and emotional pain were killing me.

Yesterday, I was in pretty okay shape. We went and helped my dad a little, we got some things moved out of the apartment and we had a good time overall.

That night, about 7:00, we were still at my mothers, just kind of hanging out and chatting.
I started getting contractions again as I was trying to get my laundry together.
My mother insisted I sit down, got me a heating pad, and folded the laundry (she’s a saint).
This went on for what seemed like ages, but was really probably maybe an hour, a little more.
It was HORRIBLE.
Finally I went to the bathroom. I felt the blood. It was alarming. Much more than the previous night.
I passed a lot of small clots and even discovered a small, smooth looking spherical *something* I have no idea what these things coming out of me are.
By 8:30 or so I was feeling a little better, so we got in the car to come home.

I had about half an hour at home before it started again. Not as bad, but terribly sore and ache-y. I passed quite a bit of blood. I hardly slept all night. I woke up several times in pain and needing to use the bathroom and change my pad.

This morning I was sore, but mostly okay.
I did a little bit of cleaning and then the contractions started again. This time for almost an hour again, but nothing productive. There was very little blood and no clotting.

The pain has been on and off all day, but there hasn’t been much blood. I still don’t know if this means I’m almost done or if I still have more to go.
Until today, I don’t think I truly knew the depth of the emotional pain and turmoil I can expect from a miscarriage.
Last night, the pain was bad enough that emotionally I felt next to nothing until it started to subside.
On the way home from my mothers, I cried. A lot. Eric could do nothing. I felt bad. I wanted his help. I’ve never felt so lonely.

During the night,  I was tired and in pain, so emotions were nil. I felt okay, I just wanted the pain to stop.

By this morning I was tempted to call the doctor for some good pain medication. Tomorrow I’m supposed to spend the day moving. Driving back and forth, hauling boxes, dealing with family.
Honestly, I partially wanted medication to dull the emotional pain as well. I’ve been numb all day. It’s killing me.

I was supposed to spend the day packing. Eric was at work and tomorrow morning we have a lot to accomplish. Shortly after my pain subsided this morning, I thought I would be okay. When we got in the car for him to go to work, I started sobbing again. As I was driving it was all I could do to not stop by the gas station for cigarettes. I haven’t been a “smoker” in a little over a year. Some days are harder than others.

I didn’t accomplish much today.
The bathroom and the kitchen are pretty well boxed up, but that’s about it.
That didn’t even happen until about an hour ago when I got a call from Eric that cheered me up a little, so I had some motivation.

I sat in bed, wrapped in my robe, heating pad on my belly. Intermittently bursting with tears.
I perused forums and blogs and articles about miscarriage. I spoke to other women who had suffered a blighted ovum.
I learned the ways some women commemorate their children.
Within the past few days I’ve even discovered my baby’s name.
It’s Lily.
I’ve known for almost as long as I knew I was pregnant that I was pregnant with a little girl. I could feel it. It feels appropriate now to refer to her by her name.

Lily.

I’m still trying to find the right path through my grief.
I don’t want Lily to be forgotten.
I feel like I’m the only one who feels the loss. I know Eric is slightly disappointed, but he’s over it, apart from having to see me in physical and emotional pain, he feels okay, he wasn’t attached.
Everyone else is “sad for me” but not sad for Lily. They don’t even know her name. They didn’t feel her presence.

I think that, at the very least, I soon will get a ring or a necklace with her name on it.
I’m leaning towards a necklace, so she can be close to my heart.

I’m really feeling this for the first time.

Numb.
Helpless.
Lost.
Lonely.

It was the hardest thing, sending Eric off to work today when the only thing I wanted was for him to be there with me.

I feel miserable. I don’t want this anymore.

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2 thoughts on “Never Have I Been So Wrong

  1. Hugs to you.
    Lily is a lovely name, it’s also the name I chose for my baby :). Thinking of you and truly mourning the loss of Lily. I really did find a lot of relief once I chose a name, it felt right, and it felt commemorative in some way. I can understand your feelings in that others feel for you but not for Lily. I struggled with not hearing anyone use her name, least of all my husband. It was only some time later after a good deal of fighting that he explained to me that he just could not attach a name the baby or he couldn’t move on. While I needed that validation that this baby was real, she made an impact on me, and was a part of this world, he needed to distance himself from that idea in order to move forward.
    None the less, hugs and hope to you, and thinking of you and of Lily as well.

    • Thank you so much.

      It’s definitely hard being the only one who is in mourning. The only one who really feels the loss.
      The support from the online community, other women like you and I who have gone through it, is wonderful, but it only does so much.

      No one in this entire world is feeling the loss that I’ve suffered.

      It’s a dark and lonely thought.

      People like you make the world a little brighter.

      Bless both you and your Lily 🙂

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