While looking through the list of topics for each of the days of the Capture Your Grief Challenge I realized that, while some of them I was having a hard time coming up with ways to photograph what they mean, I still wanted to capture it in some way.
I’ve decided that, with some of my entries, I will include photos, some of them will just be letters to my daughter. I’m really excited for what is to come, so here it goes:
I miss you every day. You were only a part of my world for a very short while, but the imprint you’ve left on this world is remarkable.
When we found out you were coming, your father and I were thrilled and scared and excited. We knew you would be loved beyond measure by everyone in our lives, but we were fearful for whether or not we could provide for you. We were both young. We had no career and few aspirations. Life was slowly dragging by and we had nothing to motivate us. We were scared of life. We wanted to give you everything, and we knew you’d have everything you needed, but we wanted to do better.
Since you’ve left there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought about you. We’re devastated and if we could have you back we’d do it in a heartbeat. Pregnancy is rough, but I’d take all the pain and discomfort and worry in the world if it meant we could have you back safe and happy and healthy, here with your family.
But now, even though we’ve ended up with a child in heaven (or wherever it is that you may be right now, if only in my mind), we’ve learned so much about what we want for the future. The fear of not being able to provide for you has given us the drive to accomplish things. Your father and I are both going back to school. We’re working hard to buy a home. We’re planning on getting married soon.
I want to better myself for you. For all the times that I cried thinking that we would never find a way to support ourselves and be a real family. Your dad and I both want children so badly. We didn’t expect it anytime soon, even though the brief while you were with us was the best time of our lives. Now we have the opportunity to plan for the future. To provide the kind of life we wanted you to have for our future children.
The pain may fade some day but we will never forget about you. I promise you that all of my children will know, if not for their big sister, Lily, watching out for this family, we wouldn’t be where we are.
We will always love you, Lily.
You are always my little girl.