My Apologies

I’m a little surprised at myself.

If I’m not mistaken it’s been at least 2 weeks since my last post.
Very out of character.
Let me explain:

When I undertook the Capture Your Grief project, I wrote down, in my journal, all the topics for each day.
Sometimes, I would take a moment in my day to look at those topics and think about what each one meant to me and what I could do to portray that.
To be perfectly honest with you all, just thinking about these things was enough for me. Something in me told me that I did not need to share with the world because this was my personal world and I was happy in it.
For the first time, I was feel genuinely content, like Lily and I could move on, separately but together.

I’ve also endured some absurdities lately that made it hard for me to bring myself to write.
I began looking for a job, even though I knew it meant that I wouldn’t be able to start school right away as I would need time to adjust. I felt that I needed to pull my own weight. I knew that my mother would be content with me just going to school and finishing that out, she is in no rush to push Eric and I out of the house.
I also know that, months ago, Eric and I agreed that he would help me with school while he was working, but I felt he would resent me if I was not working as well.

I landed a job as a waitress.
It was the worst idea I’ve ever had.
After my first 4 hour shift (which was only training) I had a meltdown and could not go back.
I still have not explained this to Eric. My mother is the only one who knows the whole story.
She assured me that she expected me to finish school first because she knew that, with my mental state, I would not be able to do both at once and that she was okay with that and suspected Eric would be as well.
She said that it wasn’t worth making myself feel sick over a job that I didn’t need to have when I had a wonderful family at home supporting me in my decisions.
I’ve felt crazy the past week or so because of this. My mental health is really strained and I am exhausted.

On the plus side, I’ve taken to baking. I’ve learned that I am excellent at making cupcakes. I’m thrilled. 🙂
In my need to feel like I’m useful, I’m doing things that I enjoy that also bring happiness to others.

I suppose I’ll leave you with an update and a promise of tomorrows.
I have an appointment with my OB tomorrow. I’m still getting spotting off and on. Tonight I had a huge gush of blood and then nothing. I’m hoping my ultrasound and bloodwork tomorrow look promising. I don’t know what to expect. I’m anxious to go back there again. I haven’t been there in over a month. To me it is still the place that took my baby away.

I’ll give another update tomorrow when I get the chance and know more about what’s going on.

I apologize for the hiatus.

Thanks for listening.


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