The Doom

I saw my OB today and had another ultrasound.
Lucky me, I found out that, after all these ultrasounds, my insurance is no longer covering them in full. Awesome.

It seems there’s still some thickened lining in there. The doctor said that it seems like it’s just a clot that’s going to have to pass sometime.
She offered the D&C but did say that my body should be able to pass it on it’s own.
I told her I’d wait.
After I got home I had another gush of blood.
I go back next week, if it hasn’t ended by then, I may just do it. I’m so emotionally exhausted right now.

The appointment was rough.
When I got into the waiting room, I started having a panic attack. I was tearing up, but fighting it.
Literally every woman there was pregnant. It was horrible.
They took my blood pressure. My usual 112/55 was up to 145/82. Pretty remarkable, really.
As soon as Eric and I were alone in the exam room, I sobbed. Heavily. It was painful and ugly and I didn’t want to be there.
I think that once this is over I won’t be returning. It’s too hard for me.
Dr. Allen walked in as I was dabbing my eyes with her rough, exam room tissues. I apologized. She excused me and told me it was more than reasonable.
After discussing the physical aspects of it she asked how it was going emotionally. I admitted that it had been hit and miss. She assured me it’s normal but that, if in several months from now, I’m still consistently sad more than happy, then I need to evaluate what’s going on.

I’m afraid that, with my new influx of appointments, things are going to get rough again.
As soon as I step foot in that waiting room I remember everything.
Knowing that, this time, I wasn’t even a little bit pregnant was really hard. At least the last few times I still had something to hold onto. Now I just have the memories of the pain and the emptiness of knowing that, come April, I won’t be holding my new baby.
I’ll be mourning my unborn child.
And that’s a hard thing to realize.

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2 thoughts on “The Doom

  1. Big hug. I know what a rough time this is for you. Don’t fight or hide the emotions. Don’t be mad at yourself when you are having a good day. If you don’t want to do something, don’t do it. Those that love you will truly understand and accept you during this incredibly difficult time. There are no rules, there is no set amount of time it takes to move forward (I despise “getting over it” because you never will). You write the rules and no one can tell you how to feel or how to act or what to do. Lots of love and hugs. I’ll be wishing you good thoughts.

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