Training in the Face of Loss

I’ve started my training with Intuitive Childbirth.
The coursework is brilliant and engaging and I’m having a great time.
It’s emotionally daunting sometimes and occasionally I need to take a mental health break before I am able to resume my reading, but it’s really feeling like it’s going to be worth it.

I’m planning to work on setting up a facebook page for my services later today and entering myself into various databases to try to find clients. I’m determined for this to work.

It’s definitely making me think about my own miscarriage a bit, although in a somewhat more clinical way.
I’m also finding that, the more I learn through this course, the more I learn about myself. I realize now that a lot of the things I thought I wanted have changed in regards to pregnancy and childbirth. In addition, there are still things I don’t know if I want. That’s okay. I’ve got time. Even though completing this course is giving me agonizing baby fever again and making me wish that I could just get back into it and start my family.

Apart from my occasional break downs during my coursework, I’m mostly doing really okay right now.

We were cleared for sex, which is still a difficult thing for me. It seems every time now I cry shortly afterwards. I can’t think of it as anything other than this is how babies are made. I hope to get over it soon. I feel awful about it.

My niece (6) and nephew (5) visited the other day.

I had assumed that they forgot about the pregnancy. I was mistaken.

My nephew came up to me while I was folding laundry and said “When is that baby gonna be here?”
He proceeded to “remind me” about the baby and how is mom said that I was gonna have one soon. I didn’t know what to say, but fortunately my mother stepped in with “Something happened to the baby so it couldn’t be here with us.” This was a sufficient explanation for him but he did announce “Oh, that’s sad. I like babies!”
It was sweet and innocent and not meant to cause any harm, but it broke my heart and I cried for quite a while.
It’s nice to know, though, that I can stop my crying without having to wait DAYS for my heart to heal. After a few hours I was back in working order, if only a little of my game.


Traumas and Relief

I’ve been neglecting this for about two weeks now. Sorry, folks.
Life has been changing rapidly.
At first I was not posting because I was too overwhelmed, didn’t know how to write. More recently it’s been because I just didn’t feel like sharing. But I owe it to you and to myself and to my baby.

I ended up back at my OB. We scheduled a D&C for Tuesday morning, the 29th.

On Friday I called because I’d been having quite a bit of bleeding and didn’t know if this meant I would no longer need it. They scheduled an ultrasound for Monday afternoon.
Over the weekend the bleeding increased. I also noticed a slight sour smell and was worried about infection.

When I saw my OB on Monday, the U/S showed almost no change. I saw a doctor who was not my regular and he said that he was moderately concerned but that I should be okay.

I had been dizzy all day, but I thought nothing of it. After I left my appointment it got worse. I called the doctor, they told me to head to the hospital. So off I went.

At the hospital I was told to pee into a little pot on the toilet so they could measure the clots and blood loss.
Shortly after I arrived I went to the bathroom with some pretty bad cramps.
I lost 6 clots all at once. It was gross, but I felt much better.

Afterwards, the bleeding slowed to a near stop. By the morning I was not bleeding anymore. They put the D&C on hold so that I could get an ultrasound. After the ultrasound the doctor came in, she said that I could go ahead and order breakfast, I didn’t need the surgery, everything was gone. Since then I’ve had a little bit of spotting, but nothing significant. I feeling a lot better emotionally. I’m able to slowly work on getting past this.
I might write more about my experience in the hospital later on, but for now, that is the gist of it.

As for every other aspect of my life.
I was supposed to tour the cosmetology school I’m planning to attend. But my car is a miserable shit and broke some more, so touring is pending these new repairs.

On a more positive note, and in a bit of irony given the timing, I learned today that I was chosen in the Intuitive Childbirth lottery program for the birth doula course!
It’s bittersweet, but I’m very excited with this new passage in my life.
I feel that it’s a sign from my baby girl. That, while she had to leave me, I should be working to make sure that others are not left like us, to suffer. So that they can be brought into the world with all the love and support that Lily and I were not fortunate enough to have. Click the link for more info on Intuitive Childbirth and if you wish to read my previous post about the program, it’s here.