Training in the Face of Loss

I’ve started my training with Intuitive Childbirth.
The coursework is brilliant and engaging and I’m having a great time.
It’s emotionally daunting sometimes and occasionally I need to take a mental health break before I am able to resume my reading, but it’s really feeling like it’s going to be worth it.

I’m planning to work on setting up a facebook page for my services later today and entering myself into various databases to try to find clients. I’m determined for this to work.

It’s definitely making me think about my own miscarriage a bit, although in a somewhat more clinical way.
I’m also finding that, the more I learn through this course, the more I learn about myself. I realize now that a lot of the things I thought I wanted have changed in regards to pregnancy and childbirth. In addition, there are still things I don’t know if I want. That’s okay. I’ve got time. Even though completing this course is giving me agonizing baby fever again and making me wish that I could just get back into it and start my family.

Apart from my occasional break downs during my coursework, I’m mostly doing really okay right now.

We were cleared for sex, which is still a difficult thing for me. It seems every time now I cry shortly afterwards. I can’t think of it as anything other than this is how babies are made. I hope to get over it soon. I feel awful about it.

My niece (6) and nephew (5) visited the other day.

I had assumed that they forgot about the pregnancy. I was mistaken.

My nephew came up to me while I was folding laundry and said “When is that baby gonna be here?”
He proceeded to “remind me” about the baby and how is mom said that I was gonna have one soon. I didn’t know what to say, but fortunately my mother stepped in with “Something happened to the baby so it couldn’t be here with us.” This was a sufficient explanation for him but he did announce “Oh, that’s sad. I like babies!”
It was sweet and innocent and not meant to cause any harm, but it broke my heart and I cried for quite a while.
It’s nice to know, though, that I can stop my crying without having to wait DAYS for my heart to heal. After a few hours I was back in working order, if only a little of my game.


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