Reflection

I haven’t posted since going to the doctor for my follow up on Friday.
The U/S showed everything was clear.
I was reminded of my abnormal pap and that the scrapings he took showed a low grade abnormality still. I was told not to worry.

While I waited a girl came into the office. Very pregnant.
She talked about her holiday with the receptionists. She said she had just come from a big family dinner. “I’m so full!”
“Yeah! Full of baby!” said the perky receptionist.
I cried a little.
Eric decided we needed to celebrate my *relatively* clean bill of health as well as distract me from my emotions by watching Anchorman 2.
We had a good time. I’m glad I agreed to it.

I’ve already had my first period. It started 11 days after my D&C. I was excited at first. Then I cried. I’m empty and my body is just going through the motions again. I cried a lot during those 4 days.

We had previously agreed that we should take this opportunity to be more careful and prepare for life better. Now that everything is getting back to “normal” I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m never going to feel okay again until I have my baby.
I broke down and told Eric this. I didn’t want to, I knew it wouldn’t change his mind. He said he didn’t want to do anything rash–we need more time to make sure we can get back on our feet 100%. I was obviously hurt, but it’s not as though I expected anything else of him. We agreed to revisit the topic in June. 6 months from now. I knew he wouldn’t want to try again, but I was truly hoping that by April we could at least be on our way to conceiving our second child. Last night, though, we had sex. We didn’t use a condom. He pulled out. I told him that he can’t be that concerned about it if he’s not using protection. He just smiled. It’ll only be a matter of time…I hope.

I was excited for all the opportunities that have been presented to me and all the things that may come in the new year. Until this morning. I woke up and realized, first, that in 1 month it will be our second anniversary–which is wonderful, I’m so very lucky to have this man–and second, that this should have marked just about 7 months. That due date is creeping up on me and I’m feeling suffocated. This year will be full of anniversaries. The day I found out I was pregnant. The day I walked into the doctors office and found out I wouldn’t be having my baby. The day that I went to the bathroom after weeks of contractions and pain to find that the bleeding wouldn’t stop.

I expect a lot of pain and misery this year. I don’t know how I’m going to get through it.

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