Other People’s Pregnancies

My high-school best friend is pregnant. She was so supportive and kind to me during my own miscarriage. But for some reason she keeps updating me about her pregnancy. She just had her first prenatal appointment. She told me all about hearing the heartbeat. I wanted to stab her.

I’m trying to deal with the agreement I made with Eric to not push the issue further and to wait for now. It’s not going well. There hasn’t been a single day in the past 4 days that I haven’t cried my eyes out. I’m not doing well and while I think I might benefit from counseling, I know that that will not fill my emptiness.

I’ve been working out a lot–well, not a lot, but more than I usually do. I’m trying to take care of myself. Partly so that I can feel good about myself again, partly because I want to be pregnant so desperately and I’m trying to be healthy and fit so that I can successfully carry a child again.

I was doing really well for the last few months. Now that soul-crushing hollow feeling is back. I just can’t even live with this.

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