Updates From The Otherside

I’ve recently been thinking about how dedicated I was to this blog and how much I truly miss it. A lot has gone on in the month and a half that I’ve spent neglecting this blog so I felt it appropriate to bring you up to speed.

As you are aware, my D&C at the end of October never happened. I was told that I didn’t need it.
3 weeks later I returned to the OB to have a follow up ultrasound and talk to the doctor.
Somehow, there was something HUGE in my uterus. We were hoping that it was just tissue forming for the start of my period. Unfortunately that was not the case. We waited for 3 more weeks doing repeat ultrasounds and finding no change. Finally I agreed to the D&C. That was two days ago. The 17th. Since then I have felt wonderful. The procedure went well and I’m feeling great. No more pain and no bleeding.
I’m waiting till my appointment on the 27th at which I will find out what the pathology reports said it was. I’m nervous, but hopeful.

Apart from all the pain and misery I’ve gone through, I have continued my doula work. I’ve got a website and a facebook page as well as some business cards. I have yet to find my first clients, but I’m very hopeful.
Currently I’m marketing myself as just a birth and postpartum doula but my hope is that during the new year I’ll be able to expand as a full-spectrum doula, working with those who have abortions, miscarriages, still births, surrogacy, and maybe eventually work with trans* folks who are in the middle of transition, or with women who are facing infertility, menstrual issues, or whatever else comes along with having a uterus. I’m really hopeful that my work will allow me to help people who need me and to truly follow my passions.

I’m going to try to keep updating this blog, it will likely not be as frequent as it once was but I do not want to abandon you anymore. I will keep you up to date with my life in general, with my TTC  journey, and with my life as a doula.

Thank you all for sticking by me.

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The Doom

I saw my OB today and had another ultrasound.
Lucky me, I found out that, after all these ultrasounds, my insurance is no longer covering them in full. Awesome.

It seems there’s still some thickened lining in there. The doctor said that it seems like it’s just a clot that’s going to have to pass sometime.
She offered the D&C but did say that my body should be able to pass it on it’s own.
I told her I’d wait.
After I got home I had another gush of blood.
I go back next week, if it hasn’t ended by then, I may just do it. I’m so emotionally exhausted right now.

The appointment was rough.
When I got into the waiting room, I started having a panic attack. I was tearing up, but fighting it.
Literally every woman there was pregnant. It was horrible.
They took my blood pressure. My usual 112/55 was up to 145/82. Pretty remarkable, really.
As soon as Eric and I were alone in the exam room, I sobbed. Heavily. It was painful and ugly and I didn’t want to be there.
I think that once this is over I won’t be returning. It’s too hard for me.
Dr. Allen walked in as I was dabbing my eyes with her rough, exam room tissues. I apologized. She excused me and told me it was more than reasonable.
After discussing the physical aspects of it she asked how it was going emotionally. I admitted that it had been hit and miss. She assured me it’s normal but that, if in several months from now, I’m still consistently sad more than happy, then I need to evaluate what’s going on.

I’m afraid that, with my new influx of appointments, things are going to get rough again.
As soon as I step foot in that waiting room I remember everything.
Knowing that, this time, I wasn’t even a little bit pregnant was really hard. At least the last few times I still had something to hold onto. Now I just have the memories of the pain and the emptiness of knowing that, come April, I won’t be holding my new baby.
I’ll be mourning my unborn child.
And that’s a hard thing to realize.

Harder Than I Thought

Just a quick update on what if feels like to have to call your doctor and tell her that, after you pregnancy didn’t go as planned, now your miscarriage is not going as planned and that you will need to see her.

I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon for an ultrasound and to meet with the doctor.
I still don’t know what to do.
Originally I thought that I might want to go ahead with the D&C if nothing is happening, but the longer this goes on the harder it is to accept. So while it might be a wise idea, in theory, to go through with the D&C so that I don’t have to sit and wait and wonder any longer, I’m afraid to do it. In my head, I’d still be killing my baby. Even if it doesn’t exist.

I’m sure that, regardless of how the conversation with the nurses had gone, I still would have been upset after scheduling the appointment. Realizing that this means that, once again I’m going to have to see my empty uterus. Knowing that there’s nothing in there but still hoping and burning that image into my mind while trying to find something that just isn’t there.
But when I spoke to the nurse, who had to clarify that nothing had changed so that she could put notes in my chart.
Before transferring me to the scheduling department she said “How are you doing?”
I knew what she meant.
I choked out an “Oh, well enough.”
To which she replied, “I know. It’s hard.”
She went on to transfer me and that was that.

Fortunately, Eric took his 15 minute break shortly after, so I was able to call him.
It wasn’t much help. But it was nice to not be so alone for a little while.

I still don’t know what I’m going to say to the doctor tomorrow when she asks me.Eric tells me to do whatever I want, but I know that, after discussing things a little, he seems to be in favor of the D&C. He just doesn’t want to see me suffer like this.

It suddenly feels so fresh. Like the moment I found out.
I’ve struggled with it for weeks, but I’m not closer to a resolution.
I have no idea what I’m doing.